Friday, 10 October 2008

10 things that got taken from me...

1. Tonsils

2. Adenoids

3. Foreskin

4. £20 birthday money (aged 8) so my Mum and Pat (stepdad at the time) could buy 40 Benson & Hedges and some Breakers Lager.

5. A pair of binoculars (aged 9) given to me as a Xmas present 3 weeks prior.

They were sold to Jim Donovan so Mum and Pat could buy 40 Benson & Hedges and some Breakers Lager. Jim needed binoculars for a pilgrimage he was making to Ballinspittle (Ireland) to witness the miracle of the statue of the Virgin Mary 'moving'. Fortunately after the expense of travel, binoculars and a lifetime of church donations the statue was doing a lot of moving when Jim got there, so much so in fact that East Anglia News dispatched a camera crew to meet him off the coach on his return.

Weird times.

6. A small metallic figurine by a pretty girl in my infant school. I liked her, she liked my small metallic figurine. A valuable lesson was learned.

7. My blood (from ages 5 to 10) - I turned this into the shittiest part of a nurse's working day by making it as difficult as humanly possible. I was a squirming, double jointed eel of a child with an under developed sense of morality making it easy for me to justify kicking a nurse in the face, blacking her eye and bloodying her nose for trying to do her job. How shitty that makes me feel.

8. Ideas I have had.

9. My hair (and my dignity) - An alcoholic guy called Davey managed to convince my Mum that he was a fully qualified hairdresser and would cut my hair for some booze money. My Mum agreed and left me at Davey's house. 11 minutes later I was handed back sobbing and completely bald.

10. Virginity - By my first girlfriend in a tent aged 14 in sub-zero temperatures in the Corby greenbelt. A group of us lied to our parents about where we were staying so we could spend the night smoking fags, drinking Thunderbird and having sex (see the pattern here - lying for fags and booze, take heed parents of the future).


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